


Loop

by angrytourist



Series: complex anatomy [13]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, Dom/sub Undertones, Double Penetration, Dubious Consent, Gen, Kagune Sex, M/M, Unhealthy Relationships, sexual cannibalism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-13
Updated: 2014-09-13
Packaged: 2018-02-17 06:36:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2299985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angrytourist/pseuds/angrytourist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I didn’t plan to find you in the first place,” Tsukiyama said, tone carefully even. “I doubt I’d find anyone else like you if I tried.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Loop

**Author's Note:**

> This is the end! That was, uh, some timing, huh? *__* Thanks for all the support through this AU and a special thanks to Cthonical who cleaned this part up for me!

Tsukiyama hadn’t moved in about fifteen minutes, and no amount of kicking him or screaming at him had changed that. It took around the same amount of time for Kaneki to realize if he didn’t want Tsukiyama to die, he’d have to let him heal. 

And he wasn’t letting Tsukiyama die.

At the same time, he did want to kill him. Kaneki wanted to see Tsukiyama suffer, wanted to hear him admit every last wrong he’d committed against him. He wanted Tsukiyama to keep his promises.

Kaneki stopped and rubbed at his temples. His blood was still roaring in his ears and the more he thought about it, about everything, the more his anger threatened to peak again. Control was an illusion.

Tsukiyama’s eyelids twitched and he groaned, a long piteous sound. Kaneki stopped moving, practically held his breath waiting to see what would happen.

Nothing.

Wait for him to wake up, that's all he could do. Wait and rage and—

Abruptly, Kaneki left the kitchen. He'd kill Tsukiyama by accident if he stayed there any longer. 

A shower. He could clean up and calm down, could deal with Tsukiyama once he finally came to.

xxx

The shower was soothing. It felt like years had passed since his last shower. The water ran a sickening copper off his body, blood and dirt and god knew what else. Even after washing several times over, there was a lingering sense of uncleanliness hanging over him. Kaneki forced himself to look away from that thought. It wouldn’t do him any good to dwell on it.

When he stepped out of the bathroom, a towel loose around his waist, there was no noise coming from anywhere in the apartment. The thought that Tsukiyama might have run both unnerved and enraged him, and it was only after seeing for himself that Tsukiyama was still collapsed on the kitchen floor that he was satisfied.

Before he’d been taken, Tsukiyama let him keep his things in one of the spare bedrooms, preferring to have the walk-in closet in the master bedroom for his own things. Kaneki hadn’t cared at the time, but it was irritating to think about now.

That irritation paled in comparison to how he felt when he entered the spare bedroom and found it completely empty.

It was like having confirmation, physical confirmation, that Tsukiyama had been fully willing to write him out of his life, hadn’t even cared enough to make sure he’d actually left of his own accord. The bare bed and empty bookshelf left him sick. The closet door was open, and Tsukiyama had left the actual hangers from his clothes, spaced haphazardly.

The calm he’d achieved in the shower, that small piece of self-soothing - it was gone. The cracks Tsukiyama’s betrayal had left in him couldn’t withstand the constant reminders. 

Kaneki wanted Tsukiyama to hurt, just like he had. He wanted him to bleed and wonder why no one was helping him, wanted to see Tsukiyama destroy his own life with his own two hands just because Kaneki wanted him to.

His anger was a tangible thing. He returned to Tsukiyama’s room and hurriedly threw on clothes. He’d have to be ready when Tsukiyama woke up. He would need to—

To what?

Kaneki knew he couldn’t kill Tsukiyama. Just the thought made him feel like he’d be killing himself. Tsukiyama had been careful to insinuate himself into every crevice of Kaneki’s being until he’d felt sure he couldn’t exist without him. Kaneki didn’t _want_ to exist without him.

But he had no intention of letting Tsukiyama rule him.

For the better part of an hour he prowled through the apartment, steadfastly avoiding the kitchen, and found reason after reason to fuel his anger. By the time he heard a rustling from the kitchen, Kaneki was just as furious as he’d been the moment he’d heard Tsukiyama admit to abandoning him.

Control. He kept his face blank, let his hands curl into fists. 

The blood bruises around Tsukiyama’s neck were all but gone, dried blood on his face the only lasting sign of injury. He froze when he saw Kaneki and sank back down to the floor, his knees hitting the tile with a muted _thump_.

Neither of them said anything. Kaneki stood in the doorway, watching him expectantly, and Tsukiyama gave in. “Kaneki-kun.” He sounded lost, and he watched Kaneki, flinching when he moved too suddenly.

“Tsukiyama,” he said. “It’s been a while, hasn’t it? What have you been up to?”

Tsukiyama looked thrown. “Nothing in particular, _mon chéri_ ,” he said. “...And yourself?” The moment the words tripped off his tongue, Tsukiyama cringed. 

“Kidnapped,” Kaneki said. “Forced to work for Aogiri. Do you know how many people I’ve killed? I did it for you.” The admission left a bad taste in his mouth.

“I--I don’t quite know what to say.” 

That was probably the most honesty he’d ever gotten out of Tsukiyama.

“Then why don’t I fill in the blanks?” Kaneki suggested. “You were going to leave me there. You were just going to write me off and find someone else.”

“I didn’t plan to find you in the first place,” Tsukiyama said, tone carefully even. “I doubt I’d find anyone else like you if I tried.” 

False placations. Kaneki could see that now, how Tsukiyama’s greatest defense was his words. But, for all that they’d warmed him before, everything he said served only to bolster his rage.

The kitchen floor had to be uncomfortable. Tsukiyama’s knees had to be hurting. Kaneki hoped he was hurting, in any case, hoped the tightness around his eyes and the minute clenching of his fists against his knees was an exercise in self-restraint. He hoped Tsukiyama was forcing himself to obey him, hoped it chafed at his pride.

Kaneki dropped to his knees and reached out, cupping Tsukiyama's face. Very calmly he twined his fingers in his hair, smiling, and jerked Tsukiyama forward. He nearly went chest down but he caught himself on his hands and knees, neck straining up to meet Kaneki's tugging.

"You keep giving me all these excuses," Kaneki said, "like I should feel bad for you. But what about me?" He leaned closer, their noses almost brushing. "It was you all along. You ruined my life."

“I took care of you,” Tsukiyama argued. “I did everything—”

“You did everything you did,” Kaneki interrupted, “so I would do everything you _wanted_.”

Tsukiyama closed his mouth. His eyebrows dipped down, and Kaneki could see the wheels turning. “Well, you’re here again,” he finally said. “I wouldn’t have turned you away. I didn’t _lie_ about my intentions.”

“You don’t have to worry about that. I’m never going anywhere again,” Kaneki promised. “Neither are you. It’s too late for that.” Tsukiyama was too deep in Kaneki to let go. Kaneki couldn’t imagine being without him, so he’d see things through to the end. No more letting decisions be made around him.

“You’re going to kill me?” Tsukiyama didn’t look afraid, exactly, but there was a wariness about him that suggested he’d fight.

Kaneki scoffed. “I’d never kill you.”

That seemed to startle Tsukiyama, as though the violence from only hours before could have no other purpose than as a prequel to his death.

“I’m just,” Kaneki paused, tightening his hand in Tsukiyama’s hair, “not going to let you play with me anymore. You said you were going to keep me around, and you lied. But I’m not going to lie to you.” He leaned in, closing the distance between them, and pressed his mouth to Tsukiyama’s in a deceptively gentle kiss. For a moment, it was just like before. He wanted to be the one to melt into Tsukiyama, to feel relieved not to be alone. But the taste of blood brought him back and. as a reminder to them both, he coaxed Tsukiyama’s tongue into his mouth and bit it clean in half.

Tsukiyama jerked back with a strangled cry, blood spilling down his chin. He covered his mouth with one hand and looked up Kaneki, emotions flying across his face almost faster than kaneki could follow, but he saw them all nonetheless: how he went from angry to afraid to aroused in a split second. He wanted Kaneki to hurt him. He always had.

Kaneki chewed the meat and swallowed it. Then he said, “I’m going to take care of _you_ this time.” The words sealed it, a promise between the two of them—Kaneki would never leave him.

Tsukiyama didn't heal as quickly as he did, so when Kaneki drew him close again he got a mouthful of blood and saliva. Kaneki smiled into the kiss when Tsukiyama tried to flinch back, pained, but he held him fast. The rush of power when Tsukiyama finally melted against him was intoxicating, just as it had been before. But this time there was something else to the feeling, something more permanent.

Tsukiyama collapsed backwards, grabbing at Kaneki’s arms, pulling him closer. Kaneki pressed his thigh between Tsukiyama’s legs and rubbed, feeling how hard he was. “You _do_ like being hurt,” he laughed against Tsukiyama’s mouth. “You’re a gross guy, aren’t you?” Tsukiyama whimpered, a soft, pleading sound.

It felt good. It all felt _so good_ that Kaneki didn’t think he’d ever be able to give it up, Tsukiyama under him, Tsukiyama looking to _him_ for reassurance. If Kaneki leaned back and pulled off his shirt, rolling his shoulders back and letting his kagune out. Tsukiyama stared up at him without blinking. Kaneki wasn’t even sure he was _breathing_.

“How’s your tongue?” he asked.

Tsukiyama pushed himself up onto elbows, craning his neck to meet Kaneki’s eyes. “Fine,” he said, his stumped tongue slurring the words.

“Does it hurt?”

A pause. Then, “Not as much now,” Tsukiyama answered, wary.

That was too bad. Ghouls didn’t experience extended pain like humans did, so Tsukiyama wouldn’t be able to hold on to agony like Kaneki wanted him to. Rather than pained, he looked expectant, pleased, as if he was being rewarded. It wasn’t the expression Kaneki wanted to see and the sight of it kindled his anger. A tendril of his kagune shot out and wrapped around Tsukiyama’s neck, squeezing. Tsukiyama let out a choked sound, and his hands flew to his neck. He didn’t try to escape, though, just kept his hands pressed against Kaneki’s kagune, breathing in gasps and wheezes.

The part of Kaneki that existed to hold onto his worst thoughts and feelings screamed for Tsukiyama to suffer, for him to be punished. He deserved it. He’d ruined Kaneki, ruined his life and his mind and then left him to rot.

Kaneki shook his head sharply. Control. He had to be in control. He couldn’t let Tsukiyama die. He had to keep him safe, even from himself. _Especially_ from himself.

“Don’t worry,” he said as Tsukiyama’s breathing slowed, barely a whisper, and his eyes went wide, moving rapidly, searching for escape. “I’ve got you.”

He pulled Tsukiyama's shirt up and pressed a kiss to his chest, glancing up at him to drink in the conflict written plainly on his face, panic and pleasure. He dug his nails into Tsukiyama's stomach and imagined ripping him open, jacking him off while he ate his insides. Tsukiyama would come screaming, of that he had no doubt.

The kagune around his neck relaxed and Tsukiyama gasped in air, squirming. Kaneki bit at his chest, teasing and painful and awful, letting his kagune idle around Tsukiyama's neck, a symbol. Its lingering presence spoke of what they both knew to be true: that Kaneki held Tsukiyama's life and would do with it as he pleased.

"Kaneki-kun, I—"

He wasn't ready for him to speak yet. The kagune around Tsukiyama's neck lengthened, coiling up to force its way between his lips. "Stay quiet," Kaneki hushed him, "or you'll make me kill you." Tsukiyama could only make things worse for himself if he spoke.

But there were no complaints. Tsukiyama's eyes glazed over and Kaneki could feel him trying to suck on his kagune. It was an odd sensation that sent shivers of pleasure down his spine.

He wanted to fuck Tsukiyama, was already hard. Leaning between Tsukiyama's spread legs only made him want it more, but even stronger was the desire to break him, to leave him a sobbing, drooling mess on the kitchen floor. All the fantasies he'd stifled were suddenly in arm's reach.

Kaneki sat back on his knees again, watching Tsukiyama drool around his kagune. Reaching down to palm himself through his pants, Kaneki started fucking Tsukiyama's mouth, his dick pulsing at the wet, sloppy sounds and the muffled gags and moans. Tsukiyama’s arms shook from the effort of holding himself up, his fingers clawing against the tile.

Kaneki undid Tsukiyama's pants with shaking, eager hands and pulled out his cock. Tsukiyama tried fucking into his hand, but Kaneki stopped him, squeezing him painfully tight. "If you come without asking, I'm ripping it off," he said, watching as the threat only served to work Tsukiyama up more.

He let go and tugged Tsukiyama's pants off, leaving them to dangle around one of his ankles. Another tendril of his kagune moved without warning to rub into the cleft of his ass, sliding slickly back and forth. Tsukiyama trembled, his arms giving. He dropped onto his back and moaned, a muffled, piteous sound.

"You really want me to fuck you with my kagune?" Kaneki pushed it inside Tsukiyama and laughed at him like his own dick wasn't leaking. "You look so sloppy!"

He did. Tsukiyama was drooling, getting fucked both ways, his back arching off the floor and tears welling up. He shook his head to deny it, but Kaneki soothed him, sliding his hands up the inside of Tsukiyama's spread thighs.

Tsukiyama's dick was red and twitching, the head glistening. Kaneki ran a finger up the length of it just to see him squirm. "You don't need me to mess with this," he said. "I know you can come without it."

Fucking his kagune into him harder, Kaneki mouthed along the inside of his thigh. Just as he felt Tsukiyama tense, struggling not come, he bit down.

Tsukiyama shrieked around the kagune, body jolting as the pain blinded his pleasure for a brief moment. Kaneki ate slowly, savoring him, and reached out to idly stroke Tsukiyama's cock. "What?" he asked, licking the bloodied wound. "Do you need my hand after all?"

Tsukiyama couldn't answer, but the way Kaneki's voice made him shake was satisfying on its own.

Kaneki was so hard he could feel his pulse beating in his cock, desperate to get inside Tsukiyama soon. He touched Tsukiyama's rim where it stretched to accommodate his kagune and had to take a few deep breaths to calm himself.

"I'm surprised you held on this long," Kaneki admitted, undoing his pants and pulling himself out. "I might let you come soon."

That got Tsukiyama's attention. His eyes refocused just enough to look at Kaneki and actually see him. Kaneki held his gaze and slipped a finger in alongside his kagune. "You look like you're really enjoying this, but I want to fuck you myself." Another finger, and Tsukiyama clenched his eyes shut "You don't mind, right? So I can use both?"

Tsukiyama didn't nod or shake his head, but his dick leaked and he clenched tighter around Kaneki's kagune and fingers, drawing him in deeper. That was answer enough.

His kagune had gotten Tsukiyama plenty wet and stretched, and Kaneki was impatient. He shifted closer, holding himself steady with one hand, using his free hand and kagune to stretch Tsukiyama open just enough to slide the head of his cock inside.

Tsukiyama shook so badly Kaneki almost slipped out. Leaning over Tsukiyama's body and planting one hand beside him to brace himself, Kaneki rolled his hips forward in short, slow motions, going deeper every time. Sliding against his kagune inside Tsukiyama was surreal and blissful. When he was balls deep, Kaneki went still. He pulled the kagune from Tsukiyama's mouth with a wet popping sound.

"Ask for it," Kaneki said, voice strained and uneven. "Ask for me to fuck you like this."

Tsukiyama couldn't form words at first, just groaning and whimpering, body shaking and hips moving in short, aborted jerks.

Kaneki wanted so badly to let loose that it took all his willpower to remain still. With his free hand, he tangled his fingers in Tsukiyama's hair and pulled hard. "Say it," he demanded.  
"Fuck me," Tsukiyama stuttered, the words a slurred sob. "With—both—" He couldn't seem to get enough air in his lungs, and Kaneki could feel how his heart pounded.

Good enough.

With one last sharp tug of his hair, Kaneki moved, fucking him slowly at first, moving in alternate with his kagune. Then faster, harder. He drank in every noise Tsukiyama made, committed his every expression to memory.

"Do you want to come?" he panted into Tsukiyama's ear. He felt him nod, heard the wordless pleas. It was enough. “Then do it,” he whispered, delighting in the rush of power that surged through him when Tsukiyama’s entire body bowed and went rigid. He came, trembling from head to toe, for no other reason than that Kaneki had told him to.

Tsukiyama went limp. When Kaneki saw he'd blacked out, he swore and pulled out, grabbing himself so he couldn't come yet. He crawled up Tsukiyama's body and straddled his shoulders, easing his grip on himself and jerking his cock. When he finally came, it striped across Tsukiyama's slack face, covering his tears and drool and blood.

Kaneki panted, retracting his kagune, and grabbed hold of the counter to ease himself onto his shaking legs. He needed another shower.

He left Tsukiyama on the floor with come drying on his face, looking every bit the pathetic mess he was.

xxx

Kaneki’s mind buzzed. He couldn’t sleep despite his exhaustion, couldn’t quiet his brain long enough to close his eyes. Tsukiyama regained consciousness not too long after Kaneki showered and took refuge in the master bedroom. He’d heard him approach the door at a limp, stand there for a moment, and then retreat into one of the spare rooms and close the door firmly behind him. Kaneki could imagine Tsukiyama waiting for him, certain Kaneki planned to kill him after all. Tsukiyama should be afraid of him.

Kaneki couldn’t fool himself into believing he was a good person anymore. His objections to ghoul life, to the Aogiri, to Tsukiyama himself… everything paled in the face of what he’d done. From the beginning, he’d been doomed to fail everyone who approached him. He killed people. He got people killed. 

Tsukiyama was the exception.

If Tsukiyama was such a gross person, what did that make Kaneki? He kept Tsukiyama around, alive, but for what? To have increasingly immoral sex? For a reminder than he wasn’t as pathetic as some people? He wanted Tsukiyama, of that there was no doubt. He wanted him with a frightening intensity that made his brief crush on Rize seem like a light breeze compared to a hurricane.

Rize had been a true monster. He still remembered the terror at seeing her true self, the despair of knowing there was no escape. He remembered it well. Had he been infected with her violent nature as well as becoming a ghoul? Some festering bit of evil, planted like a seed that bloomed slowly over time, groomed by Tsukiyama’s attention?

That was the simple answer, but Kaneki suspected it was also the wrong one. He hadn’t needed Rize to act the way he did. He only needed the opportunity, and she had provided plenty of those.

xxx

Tsukiyama didn’t come out of the room for the rest of the day. Kaneki left him alone, distracted by his own thoughts. But, by the following morning, he decided giving Tsukiyama time to adjust was in no way important.

“You’ve healed?” he asked as he opened the door.

Tsukiyama was in bed, his clothes draped over the door of the closet. But he was awake. “Yes,” he answered after a moment, sitting up. He looked exhausted. “I should eat, though.”

“You look like you need it,” Kaneki agreed. Neither of them said anything or did anything for a beat. Then Kaneki rubbed the back of his neck. “Aogiri’s going to come for me eventually.”

“Because of Rize?” Tsukiyama said. He pushed the covers away and went to the closet, and Kaneki drank in the sight of him. 

“I think so. They want something from me.” He shrugged. “You mentioned something about leaving the country.”

“My family has property across Europe,” Tsukiyama said. “I’d planned on going there.”

He was only referring to himself, and Kaneki felt the burn of anger licking at his thoughts. “You can’t possibly think I’ll let you leave me,” he said, blunt. 

Tsukiyama went stiff. Then he shook his head, pulling on his shirt. “ _Non_ , Kaneki-kun. You’ve made your intentions perfectly clear.” He didn’t sound unhappy about it, but there was a hesitance to his words as though he didn’t know what to make of the way things had turned out.

“Good,” Kaneki said. “But I need you to understand. If you ever betray me again, I’ll kill you. I’m the only one who can.”

“You're very romantic,” Tsukiyama assured him. “I have every intention of remaining under your thumb.”

“What’s it like?” Kaneki asked, ignoring the cheek. “For ghouls, I mean. I’ve never been out of the country.”

“Beautiful,” Tsukiyama said, a wistful note to his words. “Ghouls are much more, shall we say, _ingrained_ in European society. I think you’ll like it.”

Kaneki considered it. His life in Japan was gone. As far as he knew, as _anyone_ knew, Kaneki Ken as the human world had known him was dead. Whoever he was now, there was no turning back.

“All right,” Kaneki said. “I look forward to it. I just hope I’m not disappointed.” 

Tsukiyama frowned, his gaze dropping down, and Kaneki smiled.


End file.
